Identity Theft – A Loss of Self

I don’t know about anybody else but I often wonder “what the heck is my purpose on this green earth?” During birth and adolescence you’re supposedly shaped into the character of the person you are destined to become. Then between adolescence and here -> |present day| you create your own destiny. That being said, man I screwed myself over big time!

I am by no means blaming anyone or anything on not being the succesful face in the spotlight that I imagined myself becoming (or were those just daydreams?) yet still I am hard pressed not to complain about my lack of movement. Yea, yea, yea, I’m grateful for what I have, food, shelter, family, blah, blah, blah. I want more!!! Is that being greedy?

A friend of mine has the book Outliers: The Story of Success by Malcolm Gladwell, and though I haven’t read it myself he passed on the idea behind the concept of why Gladwell found certain successful people to be so. I accept correction for any errors on my interpretation but here’s what I got from it – success stories like the college drop out entrepreneurs who become multi-millionaires, athletes who garner fame and fortune, or working class families who turn out professionally accomplished children, have a specific factor within their particular circumstances. For example, some sports select young athletes to start coaching using a cut-off date for age and as such, a large number of them share birthdays away from the cut-off point giving them an advantage due to maturity over their counterparts. A link to a general Q & A with Gladwell can be read here and an ESPN Q & A about the sports outlier aspect here.

Maybe I was just born in the wrong month, although, I’m not trying out for any sports teams. Scratch that theory then. I happen to like my zodiac sign, which is very symbolic to how I feel daily (hint -> Cancerian to the core!

Does that mean I won’t get the success I want? No, it means I’m sitting on my lazy butt complaining about why someone won’t hand me something on a silver platter. I’ve lived my life to my own little tune as off-beat and as off-key as can be found. I graduated from high school at 16 with no hoopla and I chose not to continue my education immediately after. I decided to work in a bank as a teller, then in the airlines as a customer service agent and puttered my way through other low paying jobs while all the while my peers were graduating from University getting their first real jobs and driving their own cars. I didn’t even get my licence till I was 21!

After observing that those around me who had similar opportunity were doing better I decided to get my A. Sc. at 23, get married at 24, pregnant at 25, mother by 26, back in school at 27, B. Sc. by 30 (gasp!) and MBA at 32. Now cut the power….

All my oomph is gone and I’m just waiting…

Waiting for some other spark to drive my energy forward. All the get up and go I had a half-lifetime ago did just that, it left me standing in what is a failing marriage with a child struggling to make his own little life normal in the midst, and I feel I have nothing to show for it. I’m not looking for sympathy or pity (but accept them if given, thank you) I just want to know where did I lose myself along the way? What have I got to show for it? I’ve been climbing Maslow’s Pyramid for years, when does the self fulfillment kick in? I want so much to be useful, to be recognized for doing something, anything, well. But I talk too much and then the innate laziness comes back like a film over cold soup. I’ve relegated myself to soup, awesome.

I think I stole my own identity through the choices I made of my own volition and lost a sense of self along the way. Others may have participated in my life, but I brought me here. Can’t turn back time and even if I did would I make the ‘right’ decisions? Man, I guess what counts is what I do from here on out. When do you know, really know, that you’ve found your true identity? Is it love that brings you there, independence, giving back to others, achieving great things, having a happy family?

So my imaginary friends, tell me where will your path lead you or do you even know where you want to be? Cause I’m still wandering along.