Holy Ennui!

5 03 2015

I can’t believe this epic failure at writing is still visible. Credit migraine of the year for this stumble upon.

Hmmmm…..Life has changed drastically and dramatically since the last non Shakespearean entry. Much to tell.

I’ll be back


The experience that shapes a life

4 08 2011

A piece of me is taken with every person that has had access to my mosaic heart. All that’s left is just enough to wake me up each day and pump the natural resource for survival. At times it feels as if I’m drowning in an endless pool of pathos reaching for the one hand that I felt was strong enough to pull me out but it’s no longer there. Will the feeling last forever? Of course not. Yet in this moment time has stood still and the pain is indefinite.

To work so hard and be left with so little seems terribly unfair and it makes me ask the cosmos for the reasons I have been created to endure this. Past life transgressions, present life indiscretions? The stars do not align for me this lifetime. Whatever the cause acceptance is the new order of the day whether life plays in my favor or not.

In youthful spirit I still believe that there will be a happy ending but the question remains … am I in it? I was your experience and you continue to shape mine.

To the one who will forever hold the last piece of me – I live in hope.

Heavy Burden

5 04 2011

Rage, Hate, Vengeance
Questions unanswered
Hypocrisy, Double Standard
Wrath unreserved.

Nightmare, hurt
Grief and Pain.
Liar, Cheater, Manipulator
Release me

Let me go
Self, Let go.

Future, Distant
Unsure, Incomplete.

Destiny Unfulfilled.
Forsaken, made disloyal.



Waiting to Inhale

3 01 2011

I remember learning in biology class that your heart is in the middle of your chest between your lungs and that it is “tilted” to the left. That often left me wondering then, why didn’t the pain of heartache feel more centred? The pricking of a thousand pins simultaneously jabbing, reverberating the pain behind its skeletal safety wall. No matter how much I’ve prepared for this situation (for I knew it would come) and no matter how much retribution should befall me, I have yet to adjust to the throbbing of sadness as it rhythmically pulsates…

to the left.

I suppose if the heart allowed for the pain to consume it, bearing the weight in the center of your being might be more overwhelming than one could stand. The intensity at which pain makes itself known might leave one feeling breathless; the heart swelling with emotion, expanding beyond its domain and disabling the inspiration of  new air into the lungs.

The feeling itself is constant but is quieted in the midst of better moods, good company, a good laugh, or a fleeting moment of pleasure. These are the things the heart is best equipped for and it must mean then, that continuous supply of these things will return it to proper function. So I will surround myself with things that bring me joy and not mourn for the loss of what was or what could be. Those things are gone, I am not yet dead – the pain to the left reminds me of that – so I must push back.

As I breathe in deeply the heart fights against me less, the pain lingers but does not sting today. Guess I’ll just have to keep on inhaling.


Knowledge is Power, Ignorance is Bliss

11 11 2010

It’s been a long road to this point. Success should be in the crown of my achievement, the decade long pursuit to here. So, I earned my Masters degree this year after much duress and many exhaustive attempts at final completion. Though I do my best to pat my own back it’s sorta hard to stretch around for the desired effect. I made it through personal turmoil, external conflict and just the every day drag of regular life. Yet still, it’s been hard to enjoy the reward at the end of the day.

It’s great when there are people there to share in your success and even better when they have been the motivating factor. I treasure my friendships because they have been the rock that carry me forward but it pains me to see the distress some of them have to endure. I’m so used to being the “needy one”, it’s almost an expectation of myself. When called upon to be the support I’m less than confident that I can offer the sage advice that comes with the reciprocity amongst peers. I find it difficult because I’m now of the belief that emotional burden has been my cross to bear and that everyone else is better equipped to manage than I.

Tsk, tsk. No education in the world can provide you with the wisdom from the College of Hard Knocks. It’s taken me this long to realize. I thought that after all this time trudging along the academic way would get me to a point of intellectual accomplishment that I would have been satisfied. Oooh that Maslow and his cursed pyramid! For me it’s not the pinnacle that’s tricky it’s the darned middle tier that has been so elusive.

I really believed that getting to this point would have made things easier and that the hard part would have been behind me. Tis not so my friends. You can be well-educated in the knowledge of books but still have a lot to learn in matters of the heart. Ignorance return to me and keep my heart cradled in bliss if only to not feel the pain that loving someone has carried with it.

My friends, I am here for you.

Hold Strong ❤

Keyhole Peeping, are you still out there?

8 09 2010

Hello World (-> my 2 blog subscribers)

It’s been a little while I know & I’d like to say that lots has been happening. Actually, I’ve only been thinking of lots the happening part comes in spurts. But to be fair to me and you of course, I promised a journey into the release of emotion and I’m on that brink now. Semi independence awaits me!! It’s not quite what I anticipated; apprehensive & tense, excited & invigorated, all topped with a hint of doubt and a sprinkle of surety.

Soon enough I will hit the ground running, pedal to the metal, full speed ahead and all that wonky jazz. If this endeavor takes to the sky I look forward to your frequent flyer status, if it crashes and burns I hope you’ll be around to rehydrate the soul.

So my imaginary friends I bid you adieu till next we meet 😀

Green Eyed Monster

24 07 2010

Envy is an unenviable thing, isn’t it? I find myself lacking in the “un” part quite often. As of this moment I am envying at least 10 things from different aspects of my life. The envy encompasses the jealousy felt towards others for some person I may hold affections for, the greed of wanting the perceived success of others, the begrudging of material achievements, all amidst a whole bunch of self-loathing for even feeling this way.

Working out these feelings often takes some self-examination, but not before I do a whole bunch of complaining about the unreasonable situation I find myself in. Let’s just call it introspection by explanation. Right now, I’m clouded over in judgment by being so caught up in the minutiae of details that I’ve lost sight of the big picture. Sadly, this happens to me too often. It can vary from the simple: be it the line of ants marching along my kitchen counter to disturb my equilibrium, or the disagreement I’m having with someone except only they don’t know cause my internal upset keeps me from talking to them about it. Some random thought can just creep in to the brain and send a flurry of envious thoughts to give my once even keeled sensibilities whiplash.

Do I wish I was different, not really. Do I like these envious feelings, not so much. I can’t help being the emotional train wreck that I am, maybe it’s hormonal which I’m leaning heavily towards (damn I can’t believe I agree with that theory) or maybe it’s just the nature of the person that I am. That being said I hope that I can balance myself out before the next time old Greenie rears his little troll head.