The experience that shapes a life

4 08 2011

A piece of me is taken with every person that has had access to my mosaic heart. All that’s left is just enough to wake me up each day and pump the natural resource for survival. At times it feels as if I’m drowning in an endless pool of pathos reaching for the one hand that I felt was strong enough to pull me out but it’s no longer there. Will the feeling last forever? Of course not. Yet in this moment time has stood still and the pain is indefinite.

To work so hard and be left with so little seems terribly unfair and it makes me ask the cosmos for the reasons I have been created to endure this. Past life transgressions, present life indiscretions? The stars do not align for me this lifetime. Whatever the cause acceptance is the new order of the day whether life plays in my favor or not.

In youthful spirit I still believe that there will be a happy ending but the question remains … am I in it? I was your experience and you continue to shape mine.

To the one who will forever hold the last piece of me – I live in hope.


Heavy Burden

5 04 2011

Rage, Hate, Vengeance
Questions unanswered
Hypocrisy, Double Standard
Wrath unreserved.

Nightmare, hurt
Grief and Pain.
Liar, Cheater, Manipulator
Release me

Let me go
Self, Let go.

Future, Distant
Unsure, Incomplete.

Destiny Unfulfilled.
Forsaken, made disloyal.



In-somnia, now how do I get out?

16 07 2010


Being one of the definitional kind my current waking state had to find out what somnia was and why I have the misfortune of being involved in it these last few weeks.

It is indeed a term, more specifically

-somnia, suffix meaning “(condition of or like) sleep”: asomnia, hyposomnia, hypersomnia.

As per The Free Dictionary reference to Mosby’s Medical Dictionary, 8th edition. © 2009, Elsevier.

Insomnia itself is the inability to obtain sufficient sleep as is the case with me. It started with late night TV and staying up watching endless Bravo programming & most recently (i.e. 4:30am this morning) watching infomercials on how to lose those stubborn pounds and get perfect skin. I was amazingly convinced by both.

Unlike great writers I don’t get my best ideas during waves of insomnia, or is it that great insomnia makes writers waive the best ideas???? Whichever. Point is, I’m tormented. Sleep, why hast thou forsaken me?

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Modify and Exemplify

9 07 2010

My mental imagery tends to twist and spin in loops around thoughts and ideas sorta like the scribbles you make on note paper when you’re in a  boring lecture or on the phone not really listening to the person on the other end.
I mostly scribble my name in multiple signatory ways. Swooping  , austere , well scripted maiden name, whooshing wedded name.  Seeing my name printed over and over again has an oddly calming effect on me. It feels like a wave of frustration that passes through my fingertips with a tingling sensation, the negative energy being released into ink on paper. I’ve done this since I was 11 and it never loses its effect. I had terrible handwriting as a child that was occasionally called out on by disapproving teachers and made ridicule of by peers. Eventually I found a way to control the urge to just slap a glob of felt tipped hieroglyphics down. I became in tune with the page focusing on the ruled lines and narrowed my vision ever so tightly to perfectly align each letter to the next.

I also had to re-learn not to use the middle finger of my writing hand as a base to rest the pen, which formed an awful rounded hard spot that was quite unattractive to see whenever I flipped someone off.

I have taken great pride in my writing since I mastered hand over mind and have found that the same diligence used to manipulate the tendency of poor scribing can help to focus my wandering thoughts. As I develop yet another idea out the wazoo to counter my daily ennui I have to fight the scribbles of the brain to bring a cohesive thought to the fore. I write out my objectives on paper, digital documents don’t exist unless I boot up a laptop, and leave them in the same place everyday. A jeering reminder that I said I would set out to do what already exists in my parallel universe of success. It helps that I believe this since utter despair no longer seems an option; defeatist attitude checked at the door.

I’ve given myself a deadline for this amazing feat of inspired drive, an idea mainly motivated by the progressive depletion of modern-day beans, but mostly for the need to assuage the discomfort of a harried mind that I am indeed a bum of magnanimous proportions.

Deadline date – August 31, 2010. Think I can make it?

Quantum Leap

14 06 2010

Recently while browsing WordPress I came across a nice blog, hesaidandshesaid,  that inspired this little blog-ette of my own. It brought up the topic of remakes not being as great as their classical counterparts and as I browsed the commentary I waxed nostalgic with the Gen X crowd who held dear their favorite movies and TV shows from decades of yore.

One notable mention was Quantum Leap one of my all time favorite sci-fi features of the late 80’s to early 90’s. Crib notes here for those born during this time period: it was pretty much a futuristic show about past life jumps sorta like the 2008 Jumper movie (but not really). Summarized version from the show’s monologue>> Dr. Sam Beckett, a quantum physicist had developed a project that allowed him to time travel to periods within his own lifetime. Essentially he would ‘leap’ into the host bodies of other people to help set events a right that had originally gone awry.

How this gem of a show inspired me to write this blog followed after a conversation with a close friend where I found myself lending my biased opinion in recommending a solution to his particular personal conundrum. [What a mouthful that was!] Afterwards I reflected on my own lil’ physical departures from reality. By throwing myself into the lives of others it has allowed me to step away from the doldrums that is my own life. It’s always easy to help correct the mistakes of the not-me’s, or ease the burden of tribulations held by friends. By rendering a sense of self appreciation in others you find worth in the non-doing of your own life. Well, I speak for myself here.

Summertime Cartoons

By Randy Bish found on Daryl Cagle's Political Cartoonist Index

I’m really no better than my own kid when it comes to finding something to do (sorry Matt, but you are a spoiled one). I’ve got no job, but ideas coming out the Wazoo. I’ve got ideas backed by a degree, but no motivation to put them into action. I’ve got inaction propped up by daytime TV, and an inordinate amount of ennui to last me until my financier’s patience runs out.

Occasionally my hosts become leapers and provide me with sage wisdom of their own “Do it”, “You should try it”, “Write the business plan”. Hmmm, “bleh” I say. Why do that when I am living vicariously through you? [Insert green-eyed monster here].

Truth is I’m bored outta ma mind!!

But, what to do? Once ennui takes over there’s no reason for me to move with deliberation towards a desired objective. If i could actually leap through time to other people and solve their dilemma’s I’d be more than willing to oblige.  You always have more balls when the decisions aren’t really your own. Hmm, I’d make a pretty good consultant then.

Don’t let this blog fool you, I’m not a tortured, racked soul with no aim forward who hasn’t yet realized that they are the original.  I’m just a lazy bum who’d like to take a Quantum Leap out of reality every now and again.  Care to be my hosts imaginary friends?

Wants vs. Needs

7 06 2010

I want a break, a break from doing the monotony of the nothing I’m currently not doing. I want independence, a sense of freedom from authoritative rules about what is ‘acceptable’. I want stability, a strong foundation to build a wholesome life on.

I want a good disposition to go thru daily struggles with a sense of appreciation for small blessings. I want financial security to create a worry free future for me & my dependents. I want to be healthy and in good shape to live the life I would like to live.

I want a comfortable house that can be called home as a respite from the rush of daily life. I want a relationship with someone who totally appreciates the me that is. I want a lot of wants…

I need a reality check to get my butt off this bed.

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Identity Theft – A Loss of Self

30 05 2010

I don’t know about anybody else but I often wonder “what the heck is my purpose on this green earth?” During birth and adolescence you’re supposedly shaped into the character of the person you are destined to become. Then between adolescence and here -> |present day| you create your own destiny. That being said, man I screwed myself over big time!

I am by no means blaming anyone or anything on not being the succesful face in the spotlight that I imagined myself becoming (or were those just daydreams?) yet still I am hard pressed not to complain about my lack of movement. Yea, yea, yea, I’m grateful for what I have, food, shelter, family, blah, blah, blah. I want more!!! Is that being greedy?

Outliers: The Story of SuccessA friend of mine has the book Outliers: The Story of Success by Malcolm Gladwell, and though I haven’t read it myself he passed on the idea behind the concept of why Gladwell found certain successful people to be so. I accept correction for any errors on my interpretation but here’s what I got from it – success stories like the college drop out entrepreneurs who become multi-millionaires, athletes who garner fame and fortune, or working class families who turn out professionally accomplished children, have a specific factor within their particular circumstances. For example, some sports select young athletes to start coaching using a cut-off date for age and as such, a large number of them share birthdays away from the cut-off point giving them an advantage due to maturity over their counterparts. A link to a general Q & A with Gladwell can be read here and an ESPN Q & A about the sports outlier aspect here.

Maybe I was just born in the wrong month, although, I’m not trying out for any sports teams. Scratch that theory then. I happen to like my zodiac sign, which is very symbolic to how I feel daily (hint -> Cancerian to the core!

Does that mean I won’t get the success I want? No, it means I’m sitting on my lazy butt complaining about why someone won’t hand me something on a silver platter. I’ve lived my life to my own little tune as off-beat and as off-key as can be found. I graduated from high school at 16 with no hoopla and I chose not to continue my education immediately after. I decided to work in a bank as a teller, then in the airlines as a customer service agent and puttered my way through other low paying jobs while all the while my peers were graduating from University getting their first real jobs and driving their own cars. I didn’t even get my licence till I was 21!

After observing that those around me who had similar opportunity were doing better I decided to get my A. Sc. at 23, get married at 24, pregnant at 25, mother by 26, back in school at 27, B. Sc. by 30 (gasp!) and MBA at 32. Now cut the power….
All my oomph is gone and I’m just waiting…

Waiting for some other spark to drive my energy forward. All the get up and go I had a half-lifetime ago did just that, it left me standing in what is a failing marriage with a child struggling to make his own little life normal in the midst, and I feel I have nothing to show for it. I’m not looking for sympathy or pity (but accept them if given, thank you) I just want to know where did I lose myself along the way? What have I got to show for it? I’ve been climbing Maslow’s Pyramid for years, when does the self fulfillment kick in? I want so much to be useful, to be recognized for doing something, anything, well. But I talk too much and then the innate laziness comes back like a film over cold soup. I’ve relegated myself to soup, awesome.

I think I stole my own identity through the choices I made of my own volition and lost a sense of self along the way. Others may have participated in my life, but I brought me here. Can’t turn back time and even if I did would I make the ‘right’ decisions? Man, I guess what counts is what I do from here on out. When do you know, really know, that you’ve found your true identity? Is it love that brings you there, independence, giving back to others, achieving great things, having a happy family?

So my imaginary friends, tell me where will your path lead you or do you even know where you want to be? Cause I’m still wandering along.