Identity Theft – A Loss of Self

30 05 2010

I don’t know about anybody else but I often wonder “what the heck is my purpose on this green earth?” During birth and adolescence you’re supposedly shaped into the character of the person you are destined to become. Then between adolescence and here -> |present day| you create your own destiny. That being said, man I screwed myself over big time!

I am by no means blaming anyone or anything on not being the succesful face in the spotlight that I imagined myself becoming (or were those just daydreams?) yet still I am hard pressed not to complain about my lack of movement. Yea, yea, yea, I’m grateful for what I have, food, shelter, family, blah, blah, blah. I want more!!! Is that being greedy?

Outliers: The Story of SuccessA friend of mine has the book Outliers: The Story of Success by Malcolm Gladwell, and though I haven’t read it myself he passed on the idea behind the concept of why Gladwell found certain successful people to be so. I accept correction for any errors on my interpretation but here’s what I got from it – success stories like the college drop out entrepreneurs who become multi-millionaires, athletes who garner fame and fortune, or working class families who turn out professionally accomplished children, have a specific factor within their particular circumstances. For example, some sports select young athletes to start coaching using a cut-off date for age and as such, a large number of them share birthdays away from the cut-off point giving them an advantage due to maturity over their counterparts. A link to a general Q & A with Gladwell can be read here and an ESPN Q & A about the sports outlier aspect here.

Maybe I was just born in the wrong month, although, I’m not trying out for any sports teams. Scratch that theory then. I happen to like my zodiac sign, which is very symbolic to how I feel daily (hint -> Cancerian to the core!

Does that mean I won’t get the success I want? No, it means I’m sitting on my lazy butt complaining about why someone won’t hand me something on a silver platter. I’ve lived my life to my own little tune as off-beat and as off-key as can be found. I graduated from high school at 16 with no hoopla and I chose not to continue my education immediately after. I decided to work in a bank as a teller, then in the airlines as a customer service agent and puttered my way through other low paying jobs while all the while my peers were graduating from University getting their first real jobs and driving their own cars. I didn’t even get my licence till I was 21!

After observing that those around me who had similar opportunity were doing better I decided to get my A. Sc. at 23, get married at 24, pregnant at 25, mother by 26, back in school at 27, B. Sc. by 30 (gasp!) and MBA at 32. Now cut the power….
All my oomph is gone and I’m just waiting…

Waiting for some other spark to drive my energy forward. All the get up and go I had a half-lifetime ago did just that, it left me standing in what is a failing marriage with a child struggling to make his own little life normal in the midst, and I feel I have nothing to show for it. I’m not looking for sympathy or pity (but accept them if given, thank you) I just want to know where did I lose myself along the way? What have I got to show for it? I’ve been climbing Maslow’s Pyramid for years, when does the self fulfillment kick in? I want so much to be useful, to be recognized for doing something, anything, well. But I talk too much and then the innate laziness comes back like a film over cold soup. I’ve relegated myself to soup, awesome.

I think I stole my own identity through the choices I made of my own volition and lost a sense of self along the way. Others may have participated in my life, but I brought me here. Can’t turn back time and even if I did would I make the ‘right’ decisions? Man, I guess what counts is what I do from here on out. When do you know, really know, that you’ve found your true identity? Is it love that brings you there, independence, giving back to others, achieving great things, having a happy family?

So my imaginary friends, tell me where will your path lead you or do you even know where you want to be? Cause I’m still wandering along.

Is this thing on?

28 05 2010

Whaddya know? I actually made it on to a blog! I bypassed the hesitations, the whims on fancy, and actually committed to it. I commend me. To the seasoned blogger or even blog reader what’s the big deal? Well I’ll tell ya – when you’re all talk and no action any small achievement is the summit of the mountain. And now onto the device…

I’ve always fancied the word “ennui”. I came across it years ago (age dating) while in high school, flipping through the pages of a dictionary instead of listening to whatever the teacher was trying hard to impress on my young mind. Yes, flipping through as in an actual page bound book that would require knowledge of alphabet placement in order to retrieve meaning of said word, not in the current tech speak of Google entry [define: ennui].

I treasured that dictionary and still have it. The Pocket Oxford Dictionary, Fifth Edition, Thirteenth Impression of 1976 became an educational must have hand-me-down from a much loved older brother whose name is still imprinted in it and has traveled with me through the moves of my years. Looking up ennui in it now I find it ensconced between énnô’ble and énôrm’ous

ennui (ón’wê) n. Feeling of boredom. ennuyé a., bored. [F (Annoy)]

Today’s just as succinctly states



• noun listlessness and dissatisfaction arising from boredom.

— ORIGIN French, from the same Latin base as ANNOY.

Its initial revelation seemed quite ápropos and has stuck with me throughout life as a perpetual shroud of ennui in most situations I find myself in. Though in latter years the listlessness and dissatisfaction seem to have obscured simple boredom.  No matter the mental or physical stimulation, somehow, someway it all leads back to ennui. And now it has led me here.

Will this experience of blogging bring a cathartic relief to pent up frustrations, unrealized hopes, or the need to have a 3rd item in a list? Probably not but what the heck it’s worth a shot. So my imaginary friends, I welcome you on this journey of mundane ramblings and I ask you to excuse my ennui along the way. 🙂