Green Eyed Monster

24 07 2010

Envy is an unenviable thing, isn’t it? I find myself lacking in the “un” part quite often. As of this moment I am envying at least 10 things from different aspects of my life. The envy encompasses the jealousy felt towards others for some person I may hold affections for, the greed of wanting the perceived success of others, the begrudging of material achievements, all amidst a whole bunch of self-loathing for even feeling this way.

Working out these feelings often takes some self-examination, but not before I do a whole bunch of complaining about the unreasonable situation I find myself in. Let’s just call it introspection by explanation. Right now, I’m clouded over in judgment by being so caught up in the minutiae of details that I’ve lost sight of the big picture. Sadly, this happens to me too often. It can vary from the simple: be it the line of ants marching along my kitchen counter to disturb my equilibrium, or the disagreement I’m having with someone except only they don’t know cause my internal upset keeps me from talking to them about it. Some random thought can just creep in to the brain and send a flurry of envious thoughts to give my once even keeled sensibilities whiplash.

Do I wish I was different, not really. Do I like these envious feelings, not so much. I can’t help being the emotional train wreck that I am, maybe it’s hormonal which I’m leaning heavily towards (damn I can’t believe I agree with that theory) or maybe it’s just the nature of the person that I am. That being said I hope that I can balance myself out before the next time old Greenie rears his little troll head.


In-somnia, now how do I get out?

16 07 2010


Being one of the definitional kind my current waking state had to find out what somnia was and why I have the misfortune of being involved in it these last few weeks.

It is indeed a term, more specifically

-somnia, suffix meaning “(condition of or like) sleep”: asomnia, hyposomnia, hypersomnia.

As per The Free Dictionary reference to Mosby’s Medical Dictionary, 8th edition. © 2009, Elsevier.

Insomnia itself is the inability to obtain sufficient sleep as is the case with me. It started with late night TV and staying up watching endless Bravo programming & most recently (i.e. 4:30am this morning) watching infomercials on how to lose those stubborn pounds and get perfect skin. I was amazingly convinced by both.

Unlike great writers I don’t get my best ideas during waves of insomnia, or is it that great insomnia makes writers waive the best ideas???? Whichever. Point is, I’m tormented. Sleep, why hast thou forsaken me?

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Modify and Exemplify

9 07 2010

My mental imagery tends to twist and spin in loops around thoughts and ideas sorta like the scribbles you make on note paper when you’re in a  boring lecture or on the phone not really listening to the person on the other end.
I mostly scribble my name in multiple signatory ways. Swooping  , austere , well scripted maiden name, whooshing wedded name.  Seeing my name printed over and over again has an oddly calming effect on me. It feels like a wave of frustration that passes through my fingertips with a tingling sensation, the negative energy being released into ink on paper. I’ve done this since I was 11 and it never loses its effect. I had terrible handwriting as a child that was occasionally called out on by disapproving teachers and made ridicule of by peers. Eventually I found a way to control the urge to just slap a glob of felt tipped hieroglyphics down. I became in tune with the page focusing on the ruled lines and narrowed my vision ever so tightly to perfectly align each letter to the next.

I also had to re-learn not to use the middle finger of my writing hand as a base to rest the pen, which formed an awful rounded hard spot that was quite unattractive to see whenever I flipped someone off.

I have taken great pride in my writing since I mastered hand over mind and have found that the same diligence used to manipulate the tendency of poor scribing can help to focus my wandering thoughts. As I develop yet another idea out the wazoo to counter my daily ennui I have to fight the scribbles of the brain to bring a cohesive thought to the fore. I write out my objectives on paper, digital documents don’t exist unless I boot up a laptop, and leave them in the same place everyday. A jeering reminder that I said I would set out to do what already exists in my parallel universe of success. It helps that I believe this since utter despair no longer seems an option; defeatist attitude checked at the door.

I’ve given myself a deadline for this amazing feat of inspired drive, an idea mainly motivated by the progressive depletion of modern-day beans, but mostly for the need to assuage the discomfort of a harried mind that I am indeed a bum of magnanimous proportions.

Deadline date – August 31, 2010. Think I can make it?

Caltech Scientists Test Air Flow Over the 2010 World Cup Soccer Ball – Caltech

3 07 2010

Caltech Scientists Test Air Flow Over the 2010 World Cup Soccer Ball – Caltech.

My contribution in pushing the debate 🙂 Why not? It’s not like I’ve posted anything else recently.

Watch the video testing air flow here: