The experience that shapes a life

4 08 2011

A piece of me is taken with every person that has had access to my mosaic heart. All that’s left is just enough to wake me up each day and pump the natural resource for survival. At times it feels as if I’m drowning in an endless pool of pathos reaching for the one hand that I felt was strong enough to pull me out but it’s no longer there. Will the feeling last forever? Of course not. Yet in this moment time has stood still and the pain is indefinite.

To work so hard and be left with so little seems terribly unfair and it makes me ask the cosmos for the reasons I have been created to endure this. Past life transgressions, present life indiscretions? The stars do not align for me this lifetime. Whatever the cause acceptance is the new order of the day whether life plays in my favor or not.

In youthful spirit I still believe that there will be a happy ending but the question remains … am I in it? I was your experience and you continue to shape mine.

To the one who will forever hold the last piece of me – I live in hope.

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Green Eyed Monster

24 07 2010

Envy is an unenviable thing, isn’t it? I find myself lacking in the “un” part quite often. As of this moment I am envying at least 10 things from different aspects of my life. The envy encompasses the jealousy felt towards others for some person I may hold affections for, the greed of wanting the perceived success of others, the begrudging of material achievements, all amidst a whole bunch of self-loathing for even feeling this way.

Working out these feelings often takes some self-examination, but not before I do a whole bunch of complaining about the unreasonable situation I find myself in. Let’s just call it introspection by explanation. Right now, I’m clouded over in judgment by being so caught up in the minutiae of details that I’ve lost sight of the big picture. Sadly, this happens to me too often. It can vary from the simple: be it the line of ants marching along my kitchen counter to disturb my equilibrium, or the disagreement I’m having with someone except only they don’t know cause my internal upset keeps me from talking to them about it. Some random thought can just creep in to the brain and send a flurry of envious thoughts to give my once even keeled sensibilities whiplash.

Do I wish I was different, not really. Do I like these envious feelings, not so much. I can’t help being the emotional train wreck that I am, maybe it’s hormonal which I’m leaning heavily towards (damn I can’t believe I agree with that theory) or maybe it’s just the nature of the person that I am. That being said I hope that I can balance myself out before the next time old Greenie rears his little troll head.