Green Eyed Monster

24 07 2010

Envy is an unenviable thing, isn’t it? I find myself lacking in the “un” part quite often. As of this moment I am envying at least 10 things from different aspects of my life. The envy encompasses the┬ájealousy felt towards others for some person I may hold affections for, the greed of wanting the perceived success of others, the begrudging of material achievements, all amidst a whole bunch of self-loathing for even feeling this way.

Working out these feelings often takes some self-examination, but not before I do a whole bunch of complaining about the unreasonable situation I find myself in. Let’s just call it introspection by explanation. Right now, I’m clouded over in judgment by being so caught up in the minutiae of details that I’ve lost sight of the big picture. Sadly, this happens to me too often. It can vary from the simple: be it the line of ants marching along my kitchen counter to disturb my equilibrium, or the disagreement I’m having with someone except only they don’t know cause my internal upset keeps me from talking to them about it. Some random thought can just creep in to the brain and send a flurry of envious thoughts to give my once even keeled sensibilities whiplash.

Do I wish I was different, not really. Do I like these envious feelings, not so much. I can’t help being the emotional train wreck that I am, maybe it’s hormonal which I’m leaning heavily towards (damn I can’t believe I agree with that theory) or maybe it’s just the nature of the person that I am. That being said I hope that I can balance myself out before the next time old Greenie rears his little troll head.