Green Eyed Monster

24 07 2010

Envy is an unenviable thing, isn’t it? I find myself lacking in the “un” part quite often. As of this moment I am envying at least 10 things from different aspects of my life. The envy encompasses the jealousy felt towards others for some person I may hold affections for, the greed of wanting the perceived success of others, the begrudging of material achievements, all amidst a whole bunch of self-loathing for even feeling this way.

Working out these feelings often takes some self-examination, but not before I do a whole bunch of complaining about the unreasonable situation I find myself in. Let’s just call it introspection by explanation. Right now, I’m clouded over in judgment by being so caught up in the minutiae of details that I’ve lost sight of the big picture. Sadly, this happens to me too often. It can vary from the simple: be it the line of ants marching along my kitchen counter to disturb my equilibrium, or the disagreement I’m having with someone except only they don’t know cause my internal upset keeps me from talking to them about it. Some random thought can just creep in to the brain and send a flurry of envious thoughts to give my once even keeled sensibilities whiplash.

Do I wish I was different, not really. Do I like these envious feelings, not so much. I can’t help being the emotional train wreck that I am, maybe it’s hormonal which I’m leaning heavily towards (damn I can’t believe I agree with that theory) or maybe it’s just the nature of the person that I am. That being said I hope that I can balance myself out before the next time old Greenie rears his little troll head.

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2 responses

25 07 2010
Wounded Genius

Hello – just thought I’d stop by for a quick squizzle 🙂

I love the way you write! What you are talking about here sounds like something I have experienced – the negative effect of those emotions/”feelings” that we are told are bad or shameful but which are essentially just part of being human and which everyone experiences – but wants to deny! (so confusing!)

I hope you can find a way to let the bad thoughts about the bad thoughts just roll by.

Best

WG

17 08 2010
Indie

WG!

OMG! This just proves my point on envious feelings. I have visited your blog every day for my required chuckle and today makes the first time I’ve been back to my own blog since writing this post! I delayed my own gratification in seeing your encouragement in order to view how well other’s can express themselves over me.

Thanks for the visit, I really appreciate the time you took. Am still learning to push the bad thoughts away but hey, it only took me 33 years to reach acknowledgement stage, gimme another 10 -> acceptance here I come 🙂

Have a great week!

Indie

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